These mountains that you are carrying, you were only supposed to climb
Moving on may take stages, but humans do not heal and clear-cut steps
One moment you may feel completely healed
and the next moment the scent of a breeze that reminds you of them
Breathes the pain so freshly back into your flesh and rips your heart into pieces
Once again you forgive them one day
and the next day your self-worth screams into every vein of yours
Paralyzing you, begging you to be angry with them
As I mourn the loss of your love, my heart cries
I tell the memories of you that I love you and I want you back
Your memories fight back and tell me;
He never loved you
He never loved your smile nor your lips
He never loved your vision nor your eyes
He never loved your touch nor your creases on your hands
He never loved your innocence nor your fair skin
He never loved your thoughts nor your mind
He never loved your care nor your heart
He only loved your love and the way you loved him
You made him king but there was no Kingdom to rule
You put your suns in his sky but the night was his home
You made him a knight but there were no battles to fight
He never loved you, but he loved the reflection of the men he saw in your eyes
Once upon a mistake, I loved you and you loved me
The sunshine brighter than ever in my sky
and I felt like heaven could not be close enough to my happiness
After I spilled my love into your heart, I said to you that I was sorry for hurting you
Although I did not understand how my love for you could have hurt you
After we fought our fights and caused each other pain
only because I loved you and could not let you go
and you stopped loving me and wanted me to let you go
months upon months
tears upon tears
letters inside letters
hopes inside hollow hopes
I wrote to you
I begged you to not leave me but you left
Like a bird with broken wings, I stood in front of you and I said to you
I cannot let you go because I'm so uninterested in a reality without you
If I imagined growing old with you and letting the child and me play around you
How can I hate you?
I don't just want to be your attention
I want your attention
I don't just want to be wanted
I crave you wanting me
I crave the love you had for me
I want you to love me if it's time that you want I will wait
Just tell me that we will have someday what we have one day
One day you will tell me that you wish you never left
and I will tell you that I wish that you had never come back
that I wish that you had not walked away, but you did walk away
You will tell me that you missed the look of love in my eyes
and I will ask you if you missed the tears that my eyes cried the day that you walked away
You will tell me that you wish I would give you another chance
and I will tell you that I wished you never walked away but you did
You will tell me that you are not yourself when you walked away
and I will tell you that I was not myself when I thought that you were the one
So do me a favor and walk away this time because...
I do not want you to stay
I hope from the bottom of my heart that no one ever hurts you like the way you hurt me
I could easily wish you pain, but you hurt me so much
that I would never wish it upon to anyone let alone someone I loved
Today, I decided to forgive youMy dear self,
Not because you apologized or because you acknowledge the pain that you caused me
but because my soul deserves peace and I will not deny my soul it's rights
I apologize for not putting you first for putting them first
for making your worth dependent on how they saw you
for making their words more important than yours
for not allowing myself to forgive you
Forgive me for believing them when they said there's something wrong with you
Forgive me for not believing in you
Forgive me for loving them more than loving you
I will never be waiting for you anymore, even for a single sorry.
God forgives me who is full of sin, who am I not to forgive you?
Hopefully, in the midst of this virus outbreak you are still fine and healthy, If I leave this world first, please prove my kindness through your attitude towards others.
Your life is precious for other people, please live to serve others.
Your happiness will last forever
Jakarta,
27.03.2020
No comments:
Post a Comment